Saturday, March 28, 2020
I have been woven neatly inside of a marriage for so long that the threads of who I am as a person have gotten lost in the fabric. I am looking for me. God is helping me find me again. It has nothing to do with who I am in Christ. I am confident of that... I don't question that I am His princess, or that I am a daughter of The King of Kings, or that I am the apple of His eye, or His chosen one who He hand picked before I was fashioned and formed in my mother's womb. I am having trouble seeing me as a person - from where I have been locked in as a "wife" and "Pastor's wife" for almost 31 years. As God helps me peel back the layers of what was and is re-creating me into who I am, it's scary. I am vulnerable. I have a new set of clothes on that I have never worn. They're not comfortable yet. They're still very scratchy and they don't even fit quite right....just yet. But yet, here I am, I have to wear them. They're all I have in my closet. One simple, set of clothes called singleness.
Friday, March 27, 2020
I have never experienced such pain. Ever. In the Word where God says that the two shall become one, well that is very real. When my divorce was happening I literally "felt" the ripping apart of the two of us. I felt as though a piece of me was going to be missing forever. I felt as though my next heartbeat would be missed because we (David and I) had been knit so tightly, for so long. How do I function without him? We'd dated 7 years off and on prior to marrying. We were married almost 31 years. That is a LONG time. Not only did I depend on him (for what I see now, as way too much) but I leaned on him. He was my other half. His weaknesses were my strengths, and my strengths were his weaknesses. And it worked. Until it didn't. I am probably an anomaly, but I loved just about everything about being married. I loved waking up to him every day. I loved our conversations. I loved sharing my dreams with him. I loved cooking his meals. I enjoyed serving him as unto the Lord. I enjoyed putting him first (most times). I loved traveling with him. I loved discovering new things about him. I loved discovering new things about myself with him. I loved creating children with him. I absolutely did. I poured everything I had into our marriage. And it worked. Until it didn't. I discovered that I wasn't what he wanted. He was on a different path. And The Lord allowed me to say, like the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." Not that it was well, but God allowed me to sing outloud, "When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul." And as I sang, peace flooded my soul. I sat in peace. I sat in my Dad's lap. He held me tight. I cried. He collected my tears.