Don't Fit

Since the divorce I am trying to figure out where I fit.  While married to David, an ordained minister, Worship Pastor for almost 31 years finding where I fit came easy.  I always knew I would be serving alongside of him at whatever church God had called him to serve.  In our marital life we had two huge moves (from Florida to Macon, Ga and then from Macon, Ga to Grayson,Ga) that changed the trajectory of both of our lives separately and together in many ways.  Our latest place of service was a small church in the town that we lived in.  I knew my place.  I served along side of him.  I sang in the choir and rotated teaching a women's class.  And then the rug was pulled out from me and then where do I go?  Where does a Pastor's wife go to church when she can't go to church?  Of course I "could have" went but it would have been painfully awkward, as you can imagine.  For the first time in my life I am no longer linked to his ministry.  For the first time in my life I am praying for my own ministry to rise up and to give birth to something beautiful.  I know my spiritual gifts.  I am well acquainted with the Beloved.  I am trusting Him to lead me, as my new husband.  (Isaiah 54:5)  I willingly submit to His way.  It will be good.  It will be satisfying.  It will fortify me and others.  I will be giving birth out of my pain, but it's okay.  He's worth it. 

Surrounding Myself With Truth

Christian inspired wall art is the "in thing".  You can go to Hobby Lobby or other stores for instance and find inspirational quotes to fill every space on your wall.  Over the years I have been intentional about buying pieces that fortify, encourage and challenge me.  Not to mention, that some of the sweet Truths hanging on my walls have been gifts from precious friends in my life.  I literally have Scriptural Truth everywhere I look in my new home.  It's no coincidence.  I have strategically placed these well, loved pieces exactly where I look - every single day.  As I have walked through the doorway of divorce there are many days that I am fighting to take certain thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).  What is real?  What is not real?  What is true?  What is not true?  As a Believer, my plumb-line isn't my opinion, or my feelings, but only The Word of God. 

In my heartache, turmoil and pain, I cry out to God, "I didn't want this divorce!!!"  "I don't want to be single!!!"  "How did this happen?"  "What could I have done differently?"  "Why wasn't I enough?" (you get the picture, pardon the pun). 

Even as a steeped, God-fearing Child of the Most High God for 38 years I have to fight the fight these questions that assault me, head on with Truth.  It's comforting to see Truth literally in front of me everywhere I turn in my home.  I am at war.  My adversary is the devil.  I am standing.  My security system is Jesus Christ.

Feelings are fickle and the heart is not to be trusted.  The Word of God helps hold me fast.  It's all I have right now.  It's enough. 

Finding Me.

I have been woven neatly inside of a marriage for so long that the threads of who I am as a person have gotten lost in the fabric.  I am looking for me.  God is helping me find me again.  It has nothing to do with who I am in Christ.  I am confident of that... I don't question that I am His princess, or that I am a daughter of The King of Kings, or that I am the apple of His eye, or His chosen one who He hand picked before I was fashioned and formed in my mother's womb.  I am having trouble seeing me as a person - from where I have been locked in as a "wife" and "Pastor's wife" for almost 31 years.  As God helps me peel back the layers of what was and is re-creating me into who I am, it's scary.  I am vulnerable.  I have a new set of clothes on that I have never worn.  They're not comfortable yet.  They're still very scratchy and they don't even fit quite right....just yet.  But yet, here I am, I have to wear them.  They're all I have in my closet.  One simple, set of clothes called singleness.

Divorce Sucks!

I have never experienced such pain.  Ever.  In the Word where God says that the two shall become one, well that is very real.  When my divorce was happening I literally "felt" the ripping apart of the two of us.  I felt as though a piece of me was going to be missing forever.  I felt as though my next heartbeat would be missed because we (David and I) had been knit so tightly, for so long.  How do I function without him?  We'd dated 7 years off and on prior to marrying.  We were married almost 31 years.  That is a LONG time.  Not only did I depend on him (for what I see now, as way too much) but I leaned on him.  He was my other half.  His weaknesses were my strengths, and my strengths were his weaknesses.  And it worked.  Until it didn't.  I am probably an anomaly, but I loved just about everything about being married.  I loved waking up to him every day.  I loved our conversations.  I loved sharing my dreams with him.  I loved cooking his meals.  I enjoyed serving him as unto the Lord.  I enjoyed putting him first (most times).  I loved traveling with him.  I loved discovering new things about him.  I loved discovering new things about myself with him.  I loved creating children with him.  I absolutely did.  I poured everything I had into our marriage.  And it worked.  Until it didn't.  I discovered that I wasn't what he wanted.  He was on a different path.  And The Lord allowed me to say, like the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul."  Not that it was well, but God allowed me to sing outloud, "When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul." And as I sang, peace flooded my soul.  I sat in peace.  I sat in my Dad's lap.  He held me tight.  I cried.  He collected my tears.